the nature of sacrifice

I'm approximately a month and half out from being able to submit my mission papers for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's been a really long, hard road getting to this point, and I'm so grateful for the support of my family and friends in all my struggles and endeavors. I've been so incredibly blessed that for me to express anything other than gratitude would be an insult to my Heavenly Father and all those who have been supporting me so strongly.

But like I said, it's been a really long, hard road, and it still is. It's been especially hard for me to reconcile some of the sacrifices I've had to make in preparation for the mission, particularly the sacrifice of time. I was 17.5 years old when the mission announcement was made in October of 2012, which meant that while my college roommates and friends could all experience the joy of going within a few months of the age change, I would have to wait a full year and a half -- just over 18 months, to be exact -- before I could fully appreciate the same blessing of going out in the mission field.

I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, struggling to be close to the Spirit but constantly questioning why I could not experience the same blessings in the same time frame. Then there was the issue of financing the mission...my parents are converts to the church, and with my four siblings, it hasn't been the easiest just providing for everyone, much less paying for me to go on a mission. So I went and got a proper job to try and earn as much as I possibly could, continuing to wonder why some of my friends could just pick up and go. I'll even admit that I felt a great deal of jealousy for some of my friends. It has been a humbling experience to do something on the Lord's time frame when that time frame differs so drastically from my own. And I justified a lot of complaining, too, because the desire to go on a mission is such a genuinely good desire. I even began to doubt my Heavenly Father's love for me because of the timing -- why was I being required to sacrifice so much more to go? Was I not as good as the people I knew who were leaving within a few months of the announcement?

Ultimately, with help from the Spirit, my family, and some dedicated friends, I've been humbled and brought to a better knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I also finally understand at least a small part of why I've had to go through the things I have, and it all comes down to the nature of sacrifice. As Latter-Day Saints, we believe that sacrifice is a vital part of our lives -- and not only do we believe that, we believe that we have been asked to make sacrifices because of what we believe. There are lots of different kinds of sacrifices, from those we make willingly like sacrificing our time or talents to serve others, and those that we are forced to make through the circumstances of our lives (there's a wonderful talk by Dallin H. Oaks about this topic that you all need to go read or listen to). The sacrifices we make refine us by teaching us about who we are and what we really value. When forced to give up something, do we turn in faith to the Lord, trusting that He knows all, or do we become angry or frustrated because we cannot understand why? There's an oft-quoted phrase that goes something like "our trials should make us better people, not bitter people."

The Lord is so eager and willing to bless us, even for the sacrifices we make for blessings. In sacrificing for the mission and actively pursuing it, I have been blessed with hundreds of mini and major miracles, too many to count or describe. I've been blessed with the knowledge that the Lord is preparing me to be a far better missionary than I could have been if I had left last year. I've been blessed to better develop and refine traits and abilities that I did not have a year ago. On top of all this, I've also been blessed with the knowledge that I will be able to enjoy and appreciate serving a mission more than I ever would have if I had not poured in all the time, sweat and tears that I have. It's not a competition to see who can get the most baptisms or who can leave first or who can go to the most exotic place in the world; it's an opportunity to get to know the Lord on an intensely personal level and draw closer to Him by focusing on loving His children 24/7 and spreading the infinite joy of the gospel, and I couldn't be more excited or grateful for the Lord's timing and plans.

If you are struggling with the sacrifices you have been forced to make, or when you feel tempted to look around and compare yourself to those whose lives seem infinitely easier than yours, remember that:

"Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow."

Your Heavenly Father loves you infinitely more than you can imagine, and He is so proud of you for your personal growth and achievements. He does not compare us to others; why should we? I promise you that the sacrifices you make, either by choice or by the course of life, will bless you not only eternally but in this life. You can experience the happiness and peace that comes from doing the Lord's will, and you can be grateful to know that your Heavenly Father knows you and loves you well enough to want to refine you into the person He already knows you can become.

a letter to students: learning is living

To all those who are starting, have started, or will start school in the coming weeks, in all grades, levels, majors and ages:

I believe that one of the primary reasons we are here on this Earth is to learn, and we are meant to learn about everything, from formal subjects to people to life and religion. In public school systems, learning often becomes routine, inadequate and tedious. This pretty well sums up how I felt about school after graduating high school. When I got to college, however, I was fortunate enough to enroll (somewhat randomly) in classes where I had professors who re-taught me to be excited about learning.

The problem with learning is that most people only associate learning with academics, and that's a terrible mistake to make! Learning is sooo much more than school. When done properly, learning is life itself. You should never stop learning, ever!

Although it's not always possible, especially for those of us who are younger and don't know who we are yet, it is so important to find your passion (or passions), something that truly interests you. It doesn't even have to be purely academic. I love people, for example; watching them, interacting with them, listening to them and helping them. So while academically, that usually translates to social psychology, it also isn't purely that. It's making friends with people from all walks and journeys in life, lending mental and emotional support to those who need it, and even volunteering my time to be involved with different clubs on campus so I can interact with more people.

Learning is so much more than school, and there's no reason you should ever stop learning just because you've left the classroom. Once you learn to truly enjoy learning, life itself becomes more enjoyable. It's not about grades, it's about the challenge and the wisdom that is gained.

A Father's love..."of course I'm going to take care of you."

The other day while I was sitting in a crowded building on campus where I'd managed to steal an outlet to work on my computer, I overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my heart melt. The man on the phone was an older gentleman, who looked to be in his sixties.

"Son," he said, "All I can tell you is to hang on, because things are going to get better eventually. They can't always be this way." There was silence for a few moments and the man seemed close to tears. Finally he spoke again. "I wish you didn't have to go through this. But I do and always will love you so much." Then they exchanged goodbyes and the man hung up and walked away.

I was touched by the whole thing -- the cute little old man and the words he spoke, but especially by the tone and the way he spoke. I was overwhelmed by how much love he had for his son and I was sitting all the way across the room.

In a way, I needed to overhear that one-sided conversation. I don't know what his son was struggling with, but as someone struggling with very real problems of my own right now, it was a reminder that I have an earthly dad and a Heavenly Father who would say the very same things to me and do anything for me in my times of trial.

Love, in my experience, is the most powerful emotion we can feel. It motivates better than fear, changes lives, saves lives, and provides more confidence and comfort than anything this world can offer. It was out of love that Jesus Christ offered himself as a sacrifice for the sins of the world. Love keeps families together and brings safety and peace. I can't speak highly enough of love. In a world overflowing with hatred and negativity, pure love -- known as charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moroni 7:47) is the one thing that can bring happiness no matter how tough life is.

There's something very powerful about a father's love, specifically. Throughout my life I've always focused more on a mother's love, seeing as how I plan to be one someday. But I think I've neglected studying out the impact and significance of a father's love and attention on his children. Our parents have made more sacrifices for us in our lifetimes than we can even imagine -- I recognize more and more of these sacrifices as time goes on, but I know I don't even know one-tenth of the things my parents have done for me and I probably won't until I'm a parent myself and making those same sacrifices for my kids. It's easier to see a mother's sacrifices: her patience in interacting with her children cannot be appreciated enough. But fathers make sacrifices too, and they are trying in different ways. How grateful I am for a dad who worked so hard, at great cost to his health and mind, to always provide for my family so that we wouldn't have to worry about living.

Absolutely everything in my life is evidence of my Heavenly Father's love for me and all his children. Everything. From sunsets to a child's prayer to my own family to all the many mini-miracles that happen every day to make my life easier in the midst of trials. In fact, it's easier for me to recognize my Heavenly Father's loving influence when life gets tough. Like the old man on the telephone, our Heavenly Father wants to do so much for us. He doesn't want to see us in pain, or struggling. But while he can't always take away our pain and problems, he can and always will continue to love us and help us if only we turn to him and ask.

A recent experience taught me this lesson in a very powerful, personal way. It was at the beginning of my recent homeless week in Provo and I was feeling entirely alone and overwhelmed. So I said a simple little prayer from the bottom of my heart asking that somehow, everything would be okay and work out. And then a thought popped into my head, something that any parent would say. "Of course I'm going to take care of you."

Would any decent parent ignore a child's cries for help? Of course not! And as Heavenly Father is indeed our Father, I can personally promise that he will never abandon us, never give up on us, and take care of us as long as we let him, and ask him.

my homeless week in Provo!

This was a picture of me taken last week....I was HOMELESS!

Just kidding, that's not really a picture of me. THIS was a picture from my homeless week.

I probably shouldn't be celebrating that. It was difficult and exhausting and stressful to the point of being emotionally, physically and mentally overwhelming. I didn't eat very well, got totally sick of fast food, and didn't shower for about four days (I profusely apologize to everyone who had to interact with me during that time. Really, I'm so sorry).

But to be honest, I'm really grateful for this last week. We don't grow unless we push our limits, and while it's hard to think that during a trial, it's easier to look back and see how the experience strengthened me. I'm not just talking about how it made me more tolerant to not showering and being uncomfortable in my own skin. I learned how to be tougher, and I learned how to better accept help and ask when I needed it.

I'm a proud individual, as most people are, and if I can do something on my own I will, even if it is hard or an inconvenience. I hate the idea of anyone thinking I can't do something. I'm invincible, I can do anything, and I can tough everything out on my own. At least that's what I'd like to think about myself. But it's not true, and I was truly humbled last week, both by the number of times I needed to ask for help and the graciousness of those around me who so willingly helped.

And it did even more than just strengthen me as an individual. It was a hardcore exercise in trusting my Heavenly Father. Seriously. Hardcore. I felt firsthand his love and support through the love and support of those around me. To everyone who helped me, even if it seemed insignificant or small, it was magnified and deeply appreciated in my eyes. I was overwhelmed last week by the love and generosity of my friends, to whom I am so immensely grateful.

A dear friend of mine once likened college life to being on a roller coaster. The highs are higher, the lows are lower, and it's over before you know it. Even when life stinks and it's hard, it's so important to remember to enjoy the ride!

50 things I wish I'd known before I went to college

As summer draws to a close (okay not really, but it feels like it and I'm getting back to school fever) and I prepare to begin my sophomore year at university, I've spent a lot of time thinking back on how I've changed over this year and all the wisdom I've gained. Most of my wisdom has come from screwing things up and having to learn how to do them better. The hard way, basically, which involves lots of tears, late nights and sometimes heartache and indigestion.

In an attempt to save future generations from some of my more horrible mistakes, I've made a list of the 50 things I wish I'd known before I went to college. Now you can benefit from my endless wealth of wisdom (sarcasm, people, that's sarcasm). This list is largely directed towards girls but there's stuff for everyone in here.

1. High school did a horrible job preparing you for college. Get ready to throw almost everything you knew about people (and academics) out the window.
2. Rice is your best friend because it is cheap, it cooks quickly and it goes with everything (not exaggerating).
3. Sewing needles and black and white thread (bare minimum). You will use them more than you know.
4. All-nighters don't work for homework. At all.
5. If you don't set your own personal dating standards and rules before you ever go out with a guy, the guy will set them for you and you will regret it.
6. Don't miss class. Seriously, bad idea. Also, go to review sessions.
7. When you get along with your roommates, you get almost nothing done in your dorm.
8. Get in the habit of writing in a journal every single night because you will forget the tiny but magical details to the fun nights and successful dates. Plus, you'll be amazed to look back and see how you've changed as a person.
9. Brush your teeth every night. Just do it.
10. Don't spend down time Netflixing. Free time should be spent being productive or napping, primarily.
11. Sleep is a glorious thing.
12. The college world is very, very small, so be nice. You never know when you'll end up in a class with the cousin of your former TA or the best friend of a mortal enemy.
13. You may or may not know who you are yet. That's totally okay.
14. If you're going on a date (especially a blind date), try to make sure at least two people know where you're going and when you expect to get back (and that they should expect a text from you at the end of the night saying you're okay).
15. Never talk negatively about your roommate(s). Ever.
16. Never lend/borrow money from your roommate(s).
17. Always do thoughtful acts of service for your roommate(s). This is especially true if you don't get along very well.
18. Have an "accountability partner" for big purchases/decisions when you're on your own.
19. It's better to take risks than do nothing. Get out of your comfort zone!
20. That said, use common sense.
21. Live more. That doesn't mean the same thing for everyone! Figure out what you're passionate about and don't worry about what anyone else is doing.
22. Being an adult is not about being serious and responsible 24/7. It's about knowing when you need to be responsible and when you can relax.
23. Shower often.
24. Sometimes the right connections can get you farther than a flawless transcript or resume. Build relationships with professors and don't burn bridges if you don't have to.
25. Review your class notes right after class. It's magical for your brain.
26. Self control. If you don't learn it, you will suffer, your grades will suffer, your social life will suffer.
27. Make sure to take time to actually relax every once in a while. Going to one social event after another will burn you out as quickly as classes and homework will.
28. Pranks are a great way to flirt with boy dorms (as long as you can handle potential payback).
29. Food is also a great way to flirt (nothing like warm homemade cookies to bring the boys to your yard).
30. Squirt guns are a fantastic way to meet people (and squirt guns are cheap!).
31. Do your parents a favor and call them once in a while.
32. Fruit is the best because it packs easily and can help balance you out digestively on a college diet (which is usually comprised of crap and more crap).
33. The campus library (or another building on campus) is your best friend when you need to get away and actually study.
34. Don't be afraid to turn off your cell phone when you're studying.
35. Living with someone does not give you the right to tell them how to live.
36. Respect. Find out what it means to your roommates. Sit down together and set boundaries on what you do and don't share, and establish quiet hours if you're worried about it being a problem.
37. The more open and upfront you are with people, the fewer problems you will encounter.
38. "Treat everyone like they're going through a trial, it will surprise you how often you were right."
39. Don't assume that you know everything about yourself. Try something new.
40. If you feel like you need to cut stuff out of your schedule because you're stressed out, make sure you're not cutting out homework time.
41. If you have a part-time job and you feel like you're skimping on homework because of your job, you may be missing the point of being at college.
42. College is wonderful because your schedule is usually pretty flexible. Some students schedule all their classes on two or three days, others take all morning classes...figure out what works best for you to optimize your efficiency as a student.
43. Use campus resources! Academic advisement can sometimes get you hooked up with the right faculty and even opportunities like internships and stuff.
44. Most shoes can go through a washer/dryer without any damage and they come out looking like brand new shoes!
45. If you're struggling with feelings of inadequacy or feeling overwhelmed, so is everyone else at college. It may not feel like it, but you are not alone and you most definitely can and will pull through.
46. Going to college means you actually need to study. If you thought you worked hard in high school, you don't know the half of it yet.
47. Band-aids. You always end up needing them when you don't have them.
48. "Work hard, laugh when you can, and don't dwell on things you can't change."
49. Take pictures. Lots of pictures!
50. Smile!

And there you have it. I guess the point of college is to be on your own, and that means you're going to learn a lot of lessons the hard way. That's okay. Remember the most important thing on that list though -- smile. Because life is too short to frown!

(photo taken from here.)

"girls can't be geeks" stereotypes are rubbish

As my last post indicated, I went and saw the midnight premiere of Man of Steel with a group of friends a while back. This post is a sequel to that. This post is also largely directed towards women, on a topic that I have very strong personal feelings about.

A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of the guys who I had gone to the movie with and I asked him what he thought about the movie. We had a good conversation about it and eventually moved on to the topic of Marvel vs. DC. It was a civilized, if heated discussion until a totally random guy who neither of us knew came up and barged in.

Random dude: "Hey, are you guys talking about Marvel vs. DC?"

Us: "Yeah!"

Random dude: "Oh, she doesn't know anything about it."

I was obviously a little surprised and taken aback by this statement. Even more so by the fact that he started laughing like he'd just made a really clever joke. And I was completely speechless when my guy friend went along with the "joke" and added "no, she really doesn't." As random dude walked away, my friend even remarked, "he's funny."

First of all, I should absolve my guy friend of the blame in this case. He was teasing and doesn't actually think I'm ignorant. But whether he does or not is irrelevant, because this so perfectly highlights a horrible, horrible stereotype in our society. It is, simply, that girls can't be geeks.

Whaaaaaat? We live in the 21st century! And while we're still dealing with issues like weak female characters, objectification of women and screwy definitions of beauty, we've come a long way in making things equal between the genders. The idea that girls can't be as knowledgeable about superheroes and comic books as boys, simply because comics are a traditionally boy thing, is utterly ridiculous.

Have you taken a look at any female superheroes lately? Are any of them wearing something you'd be comfortable sending your daughter out dressed as for halloween? I love amine/comic conventions as much as the next geek, but reading some of the horror stories of sexual harassment and abuse that come out of them makes me want to stay far away from those kinds of events. Why do men have so little respect for women in the realm of geekery? As this comic explains, the disrespect goes beyond simple objectification of women and extends to knowledge.

Being a geek, in my own simple personal definition, means loving something so much that it becomes a part, even a tiny part, of your life. And while it's sometimes tempting to judge whether someone else is a geek or not, there is no part of the description of "geek" that justifies condemning anyone else for their lack or excess of knowledge on any particular subject.

Take Doctor Who, for example. I've been watching the show for probably four or fives years -- to be honest, I don't really remember. Now take someone else who just discovered the show a year ago. Who's the bigger Whovian? Should we measure it by how much merchandise we both own? Should we measure it by where they started versus where I started (for instance, I started on New Who but if they started on Classic Who that may give them more geek points)?

The correct answer is none of the above. There is no such thing as a bigger geek in this scenario or any scenario. Trying to figure out who is the bigger geek is like trying to figure out which of your siblings your mom loves most. Geekdom is love; there's no comparison, only combination. The more people who love something, the more love there is to go around.

movie review: Man of Steel

So last night I went to the midnight premiere of Man of Steel. I've never been a huge fan of DC but having grown up watching all the old Superman movies, I was more than a little curious about this one. It started out like any other movie experience, and I certainly wasn't planning on writing any kind of analysis or review for it. But there were so many things in the movie that jumped out at me as being something I wanted -- no, needed -- to write about. So here we go!

Spoilers aplenty. Don't say I didn't tell you so.

I was actually pretty impressed with how the plot laid out. Starting with Kal as an adult helped cut to chase, as opposed to the the typical linear plotline which follows the hero from the very beginning. The flashbacks to Kal's youth, especially after key scenes with his mother or personal self-discoveries, were far more meaningful because we understood how those points in Kal's life were key in shaping him.

The worst part of the movie was the dialogue. At first, I thought it was the acting that was just so stilted and stiff. But I realized that it was all the dialogue, and I'm inclined to blame Snyder for that. It didn't fit with the overall themes of the movie, and some of the lines were so inappropriately timed that it ruined a lot of the emotion behind the moments. For instance, after Kal and Lois kiss, Lois says, "You know, they say it's all downhill after the first kiss," and Kal responds "I'm pretty sure that only applies to humans," and they share a small smile/chuckle.

What was that? Was it seriously an attempt at humor? Kal just committed genocide on his own race. Everyone is barely alive, and they're trying to be humorous? That was a disappointing scene for me. As an audience member, it was like I didn't have an opportunity to process Kal's emotions regarding the loss of his own race, or even the sheer amount of death and destruction around him.

Other than the dialogue, my biggest problem with this movie was Lois Lane. I'm kind of a feminist, in that I don't believe the sole purpose of a woman is to play the romantic interest. Martha Kent is a good example of a more realistic female character. She's not expecting to be saved but that doesn't stop her from standing her ground against beings infinitely more powerful than herself just to keep her son safe. Seeing that "momma tiger" instinct really made my heart happy. But Lois! She's supposed to be a sassy, not-taking-anyone's-crap kind of girl. Instead she's stalking a hot guy around the world (although, to her credit, he is really hot) and being Kal's damsel in complete distress (and most of the time, it's her own dang fault for being too nosy and involved with everything), and that got annoying really fast. In her first scene, she made a good entrance and stood her ground with Colonel Hardy and Professor Hamilton, but it was all downhill from there. It felt like they just took the prettiest actress they could find and told her to stand there and stare wistfully after Kal for the whole movie. As a character, she was so terribly flat that I wasn't even a fan of the kiss because it could have been any girl standing there. There was no strength behind her, no real personality. She didn't even say a whole lot. In other words, I had no reason to like her or feel connected to her. She definitely had a few good action scenes, but again, I think the whole point of her was to stand there and hug Kal or fall from things and need saving (and can we talk about the physics of being caught by Superman while falling from ridiculous heights? The whiplash, man).

(And can I just say, Henry Cavill with scruff! He's attractive without it too but hot dang. Was anyone else semi-disappointed when he came out of the genesis chamber clean-shaven?)

So here's a question. If Kal was so concerned about keeping humans safe, why was he fighting General Zod in the middle of a big city? Zod probably would have followed him anywhere and they could have spared a lot of the city just by doing their fight somewhere else. Oh, wait, destroying buildings looks really cool. Better keep it in Metropolis. That was cool-looking and all, but after a while it felt like they were just trying to one-up The Avengers as far as sheer property damage goes. And by way of comparison, New York was being invaded by an entire army of Chitauri warriors, and Metropolis was being attacked by a terraforming machine and a madman with no control of his strength. And yet Metropolis looked like it had been hit by a nuclear bomb. It looked like some kind of post-apocalyptic scene. Even though the terraforming probably makes that a more realistic picture, it still seemed like a bit too much.

There were a lot of really good themes in Man of Steel. The concept of not knowing how strong we are unless we keep testing our limits; the theme of religion and how we all wonder where we come from and what our purpose is here; the idea that the choices we make, even the little ones, determine who we become. I was thoroughly impressed by the depth of the themes and symbolism. For those like me with over-analytical minds, the movie was more than sheer entertainment.

So that's Man of Steel. I've got some issues with the movie, and it's still a DC comics movie (I'm a really hardcore Marvel kinda girl), but overall I really, really enjoyed it. It was mostly well-executed and the effects were brilliant. But what I liked most about the movie was the fact that I walked out of the theater feeling connected to Kal. I always liked Superman as a kid but I was never really able to feel a connection to him because he was so foreign. Seeing him grow and develop and struggle made him very human.