the nature of sacrifice

I'm approximately a month and half out from being able to submit my mission papers for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's been a really long, hard road getting to this point, and I'm so grateful for the support of my family and friends in all my struggles and endeavors. I've been so incredibly blessed that for me to express anything other than gratitude would be an insult to my Heavenly Father and all those who have been supporting me so strongly.

But like I said, it's been a really long, hard road, and it still is. It's been especially hard for me to reconcile some of the sacrifices I've had to make in preparation for the mission, particularly the sacrifice of time. I was 17.5 years old when the mission announcement was made in October of 2012, which meant that while my college roommates and friends could all experience the joy of going within a few months of the age change, I would have to wait a full year and a half -- just over 18 months, to be exact -- before I could fully appreciate the same blessing of going out in the mission field.

I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, struggling to be close to the Spirit but constantly questioning why I could not experience the same blessings in the same time frame. Then there was the issue of financing the mission...my parents are converts to the church, and with my four siblings, it hasn't been the easiest just providing for everyone, much less paying for me to go on a mission. So I went and got a proper job to try and earn as much as I possibly could, continuing to wonder why some of my friends could just pick up and go. I'll even admit that I felt a great deal of jealousy for some of my friends. It has been a humbling experience to do something on the Lord's time frame when that time frame differs so drastically from my own. And I justified a lot of complaining, too, because the desire to go on a mission is such a genuinely good desire. I even began to doubt my Heavenly Father's love for me because of the timing -- why was I being required to sacrifice so much more to go? Was I not as good as the people I knew who were leaving within a few months of the announcement?

Ultimately, with help from the Spirit, my family, and some dedicated friends, I've been humbled and brought to a better knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I also finally understand at least a small part of why I've had to go through the things I have, and it all comes down to the nature of sacrifice. As Latter-Day Saints, we believe that sacrifice is a vital part of our lives -- and not only do we believe that, we believe that we have been asked to make sacrifices because of what we believe. There are lots of different kinds of sacrifices, from those we make willingly like sacrificing our time or talents to serve others, and those that we are forced to make through the circumstances of our lives (there's a wonderful talk by Dallin H. Oaks about this topic that you all need to go read or listen to). The sacrifices we make refine us by teaching us about who we are and what we really value. When forced to give up something, do we turn in faith to the Lord, trusting that He knows all, or do we become angry or frustrated because we cannot understand why? There's an oft-quoted phrase that goes something like "our trials should make us better people, not bitter people."

The Lord is so eager and willing to bless us, even for the sacrifices we make for blessings. In sacrificing for the mission and actively pursuing it, I have been blessed with hundreds of mini and major miracles, too many to count or describe. I've been blessed with the knowledge that the Lord is preparing me to be a far better missionary than I could have been if I had left last year. I've been blessed to better develop and refine traits and abilities that I did not have a year ago. On top of all this, I've also been blessed with the knowledge that I will be able to enjoy and appreciate serving a mission more than I ever would have if I had not poured in all the time, sweat and tears that I have. It's not a competition to see who can get the most baptisms or who can leave first or who can go to the most exotic place in the world; it's an opportunity to get to know the Lord on an intensely personal level and draw closer to Him by focusing on loving His children 24/7 and spreading the infinite joy of the gospel, and I couldn't be more excited or grateful for the Lord's timing and plans.

If you are struggling with the sacrifices you have been forced to make, or when you feel tempted to look around and compare yourself to those whose lives seem infinitely easier than yours, remember that:

"Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow."

Your Heavenly Father loves you infinitely more than you can imagine, and He is so proud of you for your personal growth and achievements. He does not compare us to others; why should we? I promise you that the sacrifices you make, either by choice or by the course of life, will bless you not only eternally but in this life. You can experience the happiness and peace that comes from doing the Lord's will, and you can be grateful to know that your Heavenly Father knows you and loves you well enough to want to refine you into the person He already knows you can become.

A Father's love..."of course I'm going to take care of you."

The other day while I was sitting in a crowded building on campus where I'd managed to steal an outlet to work on my computer, I overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my heart melt. The man on the phone was an older gentleman, who looked to be in his sixties.

"Son," he said, "All I can tell you is to hang on, because things are going to get better eventually. They can't always be this way." There was silence for a few moments and the man seemed close to tears. Finally he spoke again. "I wish you didn't have to go through this. But I do and always will love you so much." Then they exchanged goodbyes and the man hung up and walked away.

I was touched by the whole thing -- the cute little old man and the words he spoke, but especially by the tone and the way he spoke. I was overwhelmed by how much love he had for his son and I was sitting all the way across the room.

In a way, I needed to overhear that one-sided conversation. I don't know what his son was struggling with, but as someone struggling with very real problems of my own right now, it was a reminder that I have an earthly dad and a Heavenly Father who would say the very same things to me and do anything for me in my times of trial.

Love, in my experience, is the most powerful emotion we can feel. It motivates better than fear, changes lives, saves lives, and provides more confidence and comfort than anything this world can offer. It was out of love that Jesus Christ offered himself as a sacrifice for the sins of the world. Love keeps families together and brings safety and peace. I can't speak highly enough of love. In a world overflowing with hatred and negativity, pure love -- known as charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moroni 7:47) is the one thing that can bring happiness no matter how tough life is.

There's something very powerful about a father's love, specifically. Throughout my life I've always focused more on a mother's love, seeing as how I plan to be one someday. But I think I've neglected studying out the impact and significance of a father's love and attention on his children. Our parents have made more sacrifices for us in our lifetimes than we can even imagine -- I recognize more and more of these sacrifices as time goes on, but I know I don't even know one-tenth of the things my parents have done for me and I probably won't until I'm a parent myself and making those same sacrifices for my kids. It's easier to see a mother's sacrifices: her patience in interacting with her children cannot be appreciated enough. But fathers make sacrifices too, and they are trying in different ways. How grateful I am for a dad who worked so hard, at great cost to his health and mind, to always provide for my family so that we wouldn't have to worry about living.

Absolutely everything in my life is evidence of my Heavenly Father's love for me and all his children. Everything. From sunsets to a child's prayer to my own family to all the many mini-miracles that happen every day to make my life easier in the midst of trials. In fact, it's easier for me to recognize my Heavenly Father's loving influence when life gets tough. Like the old man on the telephone, our Heavenly Father wants to do so much for us. He doesn't want to see us in pain, or struggling. But while he can't always take away our pain and problems, he can and always will continue to love us and help us if only we turn to him and ask.

A recent experience taught me this lesson in a very powerful, personal way. It was at the beginning of my recent homeless week in Provo and I was feeling entirely alone and overwhelmed. So I said a simple little prayer from the bottom of my heart asking that somehow, everything would be okay and work out. And then a thought popped into my head, something that any parent would say. "Of course I'm going to take care of you."

Would any decent parent ignore a child's cries for help? Of course not! And as Heavenly Father is indeed our Father, I can personally promise that he will never abandon us, never give up on us, and take care of us as long as we let him, and ask him.