the calm after the storm: life as a newly-returned RM

Coming home from the mission is like getting sucked out of a riptide and tossed in a kiddie pool.

You're used to going hard and working 10-hour days (that's not including the time you put in for studies) and suddenly you're not working. At all. Your knee-jerk reaction is to talk to everyone about the gospel. In the store, on the street, you even want to stop and pull over the car just to talk to someone on the sidewalk. Can't you just see a girl in a black hoodie and sweats pulling a minivan over and rolling down the window: "hey there, do you wanna hear a message about Jesus Christ?"

Apparently, that's not considered normal in the real world.

It gets weirder when you try to introduce yourself. Your brain keeps choking on itself and you can't think of yourself by your proper name. Is it your first name? Should you just scrap it and go by your last name? Your first name on the mission is "Sister/Elder" so maybe you should just stick to that....

And then, as people congratulate you and welcome you back, you finally realize what Frodo Baggins is talking about in Lord of the Rings, when the hobbits go back to the Shire after fighting the war of the Ring and the Shire is...exactly the same. As Frodo says:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

While perhaps serving a mission isn't nearly as traumatic as traipsing into Mordor to destroy a weapon of ultimate evil, missions can be pretty dang painful and difficult. And nobody really knows what happened, what you've been doing and how you've changed the world. How you've changed. You realize that there are things you will never be able to explain or share with the people closest to you. The lives you've seen change, the miracles, the experiences, the answered prayers after months of begging for answers. The gospel means so much more to you now than just going to church for three hours a week, it's living and breathing itself.

People will ask you about the food, the language, the people, the baptisms. But these are all just a fraction of what you've experienced and what you felt.

Shoutout to Tolkien for creating a story that would help explain the plight of newly-returned missionaries. Always knew I could count on you, JRR. (Not coincidentally, JRR Tolkien wrote Frodo's character the way he did because he was reflecting his own feelings on returning home from World War I a shell-shocked veteran.)

The things you thought you'd be interested in when you got home are pointless to you now. You had a list of movies several pages long in little notebook, but you've watched maybe one or two of them. You just do the little things like exercise and shower and read scriptures every day and wonder:

Where do I go from here?

People who aren't also newly-returned missionaries laugh and say, "well, marriage, of course!" But you're still married to the mission in your head. You know you have to move forward but there's nothing hold onto in the future and the recent past is all so very real and there. You don't want to change, but you can't live a missionary lifestyle anymore. It's just not your calling anymore.

I know I'm not the only one going through these odd withdrawal feelings. In fact, I know people who've had them worse than I have. This is not a new phenomenon, but I've noticed that there isn't really anything to help newly-returned missionaries in their transition back from missionary life. We have the Missionary Training Center to help us prepare for life in the mission field, but there's nothing on the flip side. Just an airplane flight and that's it. The stake president shakes your hand and sends you on your way and just like that you're not a missionary anymore.

But the mission does a pretty good job preparing you for heartbreak, instability and sudden change. Living out of two suitcases and facing the possibility of moving every six weeks will do that. So you come home, unpack your bags, get rid of a bunch of stuff, and get ready for the next thing. Maybe it's a job, maybe school, maybe both. You have to figure out your own purpose now. It's not clearly spelled out in page 1 of Preach My Gospel.


But in the midst of my own personal search to find some meaning to this new, unfamiliar life, I realized that our purpose to "invite others to come unto Christ" isn't reserved for people with a nametag on their chest, and if a mission has taught me anything, it's that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have not only the privilege but the responsibility to do missionary work for the rest of my life!

And missionary work is so much easier for me to do now with a phone and access to as many social media websites as the internet can provide. God didn't intend for missions to end, He meant for them to be a big first step onto the rest of our lives onto earth. Everything is meant to prepare. My two months in the Missionary Training Center prepared me for the mission, the mission has prepared me for the rest of life, and this life is preparatory for eternity.

So while I'm certainly not the most experienced returned missionary, I think I'm finally getting a handle on things with the same purpose that kept me going on my mission.

Isn't it cool that we have a Heavenly Father who made this incredible plan and figured it all out?

why do we serve?

best. day. ever.

For over a year now, I've been preparing to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's been an exhausting, trying process, and I've put a lot of sweat and tears into preparing. And now that I have my call, it finally feels like it's really going to happen: I've been called to serve in the Thailand, Bangkok Mission! I couldn't be more thrilled. I've never had Thai food and I've never spoken a word of Thai in my life but it already feels like home to me.

But when people ask me about the mission, it's always about where I'm going or when I'm leaving, but almost never is it why I'm going. I've been getting increasingly frustrated at the reactions when people find out I'm going to Thailand. They congratulate me and then proceed to talk about how exotic Thailand is going to be, how I'm going to love seeing elephants and petting tigers or taking in the architecture. And I know they're just happy for me, but it frustrates me that people believe this will be like an exotic vacation.

A mission is anything BUT a vacation! Not going to lie, I'm going to appreciate the break from school, but that's about the only thing I'm taking a "break" from. I'm gonna be working like I've NEVER WORKED BEFORE, not with animals or exotic sites but with PEOPLE. Missionary work is ALL ABOUT PEOPLE. So it didn't matter to me whether I was going "stateside" or foreign, I was just so excited to have the opportunity to serve Heavenly Father's precious children. The place does NOT matter. Of course there were places I didn't want to get called and places I was afraid of going, but I knew either way once I opened the call that it would feel right, because the call comes from God. It's not a randomized process. We are sent where and when we need to go for a reason. And now that I know where I'm going, I'm even more excited! I love the people of Thailand with a love I didn't know I had in me, comparable to the love I have for my family and closest friends.

I've always been a loving person, and growing up, I always assumed my ability to love people as deeply and openly as I did made me weak, but I realize now it gives me more motivation and power than any of my other strengths. LOVE IS WHY WE SERVE. And more than that, love is the central purpose behind so much of what we do in this Church! It's the backbone of missionary work, the Relief Society program, the Church Welfare program...and most importantly, the Atonement, in which Jesus Christ took upon himself the sins of the world to allow us to find a way back to be with Him and our Heavenly Father -- because He LOVES us. I don't think I could ever overemphasize the importance of love; it's the biggest motivator behind my going on a mission and I already know that love will keep me going during the moments of my mission when nothing else does.

I love this gospel, I love the people of Thailand, and I'm so excited to go serve them! #thechurchistrue

"if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work"

While it's tempting to leave the responsibility of missionary work to the missionaries, in doing that we are ignoring our calling as members! Too often I have either heard or expressed the sentiment "when I'm a missionary" followed by a list of amazing personality changes that will somehow activate upon opening the mission call. As much as us "premies" would like to believe that, I think we all secretly know it's not true. We won't be blessed out in the mission field if we don't make daily efforts to improve and develop into the person we want to be.

The following are all phrases I've said or thought at one time or another in my life to try and excuse myself from missionary work, and my responses are all things I've learned from other people's examples and advice, or personal revelation through studying the scriptures.

"I don't have a companion."

Oh, but you do! When you were baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you received the gift of the Holy Ghost, you were promised that as long as you remained worthy, you could have the constant companionship of the Spirit. When we take the sacrament, we promise to be obedient, and in return we are promised that we may "always have his Spirit to be with [us]" (Moroni 4:3).

"I don't have a mission." or "I don't have my call yet."

Yes you do! God has a hand in our lives constantly, not just in sending us on missions, and you are where you are on the Earth right now for a reason. If you will be open-minded and pray for opportunities, you will find ways to serve and share your testimony with those around you wherever you are. It may be that a coworker or classmate needs your testimony and strength, or even that a stranger needs to see your example to soften their heart. We can't know where we would be most useful, but the Spirit does. Allowing the Spirit to guide our actions will allow us to touch more lives and serve more meaningfully than we ever could on our own.

"Long before leaving our earthly home to serve a full-time mission, we left heavenly parents to fulfill our mortal mission. We have a Father in Heaven, who knows us--our strengths and weaknesses, our abilities and potential" (W. Christopher Waddell, "The Opportunity of a Lifetime").

You do have a call! You were placed on this Earth, in your family and circumstances, for a reason. There is nothing random about when you came to this Earth. You were placed where you could have experiences that would shape you into a unique individual with a unique testimony and perspective on the gospel, and you can use that to help people that maybe only you can reach.

Doctrine and Covenants 4:3 says "Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work." I don't think this verse means "If ye have desires to serve God ye shall receive a formal mission call for 18 to 24 months." If you have desires to serve, you are called to serve today. You are called to stand as a witness of God "at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death" (Mosiah 18:9).

"My family members/friends have already rejected the Church."

My parents are converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and 20+ years later, my extended family still hasn't accepted the gospel, despite our ongoing efforts to share it with them. Explaining to them that I just wasn't going to be around or very accessible for 18 months was a little hard for them to wrap their heads around, understandably. But we haven't given up trying to share it with them and include them in our beliefs whenever we can, as well as participate in reasonable discussions about our differences and similarities. It can be more nerve-wracking to bear testimony in front of close family or friends than total strangers, sometimes. Continue to stand for what you believe in, and the Lord will bless you with confidence and the companionship of the Spirit so that you will never have to feel alone even when you have to stand alone. Be willing to share your testimony if you ever find yourself in a situation that calls for it, and the Lord will bless you to know what to say. Your family members and friends may never accept the gospel in this life, but your example can be key in softening their hearts or at least making them more open-minded. One of my fears is that when I pass through the veil into the next life, I will be greeted by family members -- aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins -- who will ask me why I didn't tell them, why I didn't share what I knew and believed my whole life.

And if all efforts seem to fail, continue to pray for them, love them, and serve them.

"I'm too shy."

So was Moses. And yet, he had enough faith to overcome and do mighty miracles through the Lord! Granted, in his case, Aaron became his spokesperson -- but the Lord still provided that way for him to overcome his challenge, and He will help you overcome your challenges, too. I used to hate talking to strangers, or just public speaking in general. I still get horribly nervous bearing my testimony or giving a talk or teaching a lesson, but I can do it, and the more I do it, the more accustomed I get to it. Now is as good a time as any to practice getting out of your comfort zone, because the mission will push you and stretch you farther than you knew you could go.

Also, trust that if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, you won't feel shy. It takes time, but little by little you'll start to notice yourself doing things you didn't think you were capable of doing before. The Lord works miracles in all of us!

"My faith/testimony isn't strong enough yet for me to share with others."

This was probably the biggest thing that kept me from even mentioning church to anyone I knew in high school. I assumed that I didn't have a testimony strong enough to share. When I came to university, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make my testimony stronger so I could share it, and I learned that I already had everything I needed. I knew that the church was true, I knew the Book of Mormon was true, I knew that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me, and I knew that all those things had made me happier than anything else in my life, comparatively. I didn't have science to back up my beliefs; but you don't need science to know what you feel is right, and bearing your testimony shouldn't be like going into a bible-bashing session or any kind of a fight. You're just sharing what's important to you. If you try and approach it that way, it'll be easier for those around you to understand what it means to you and respect you for it even if they don't agree.

Plus, as I mentioned earlier, you can have the Holy Ghost as your companion, and if you have that and you study and make honest efforts to expand and share your testimony, "it shall be given to you in the very hour, yea, in the very moment, what ye shall say" (D&C 100:6).

"I've already prepared enough for the mission."

Until you are out in the field, you are always preparing for the mission, whether you realize it or not. If you think you're prepared enough, you may need to be working more on humility. Every time I think I'm ready, something happens to prove to me that I'm totally wrong and seriously need a change in perspective. I am confident in the knowledge that when the Lord calls me to serve, I will be ready and prepared enough to do what He wants me to. But until then, every second of my life is a second I could be spending preparing to serve.

We prepare in tons of different ways! Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally... and beyond that, just practicing being an example and representing Christ at all times, things, and places. Motivating yourself to get out of bed in the morning is preparation for the mission. Pushing through a really difficult homework assignment is preparation for the mission. Learning to love a difficult roommate, be it a friend or family member, is preparation for the mission!

"I'm too young to do this on my own."

Nephi was most likely in his teens when he slew Laban and retrieved the plates (although this hasn't been doctrinally approved or anything, most scholars estimate he was between 14 and 25 during the events of 1 Nephi). Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." In my opinion, there should be an exclamation mark at the end of that verse, because it's so empowering! Don't worry about being too young; if you study the scriptures, pray daily, and keep the Spirit with you, you will be just fine. You are never alone in your efforts to do the right thing!

"I'm not planning on serving a full-time mission." or "I don't know if I should serve."

So you've decided that serving a mission isn't right for you? Congratulations! I came to a similar conclusion a few months ago and I thought I was quite happy with it until I realized that the reason I wasn't going was because I was scared, not because it was actually right for me to stay home. I didn't want to go because I didn't want the responsibility of sharing the gospel with total strangers away from the comforts of home for such a long period of time. Deciding not to serve a mission doesn't absolve you from your responsibility as a member to support the missionaries and share the gospel through your example and living your covenants. As members, we should all develop the desire to be missionaries and support missionary work, no matter where our life choices take us.

With some redirection from the Spirit, I realized that serving a mission was exactly what I needed to do -- despite my fears. But there is not one answer that works for everyone! Even the experiences of others can only guide you. Your decision needs to be something you feel is right for you and that's between you and the Lord, not you and your culture, your parents' expectations, or even a boyfriend (if you're a girl).

"I've made too many mistakes to be worthy enough to be called."

But that is exactly why you're here, isn't it? We all make mistakes; yes, some are more serious than others. Some of the wounds of sin can take time to fully heal, and there are usually scars left that shape us into the unique individuals we are. I don't advocate sinning just for the experience; you will get far more experience just by enduring to the end. However, there is much to be gained from experiencing the process of repentance. You will have a stronger relationship with the Lord and a greater appreciation for the Atonement. One of my best friends on a mission said that it's likely that all our weaknesses are divinely inspired, because in overcoming them we are brought closer to God and we grow stronger. Ether 12:27 says "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness that they may be humble... for if they [men] humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Trust that you can overcome and forgive yourself, and see your weaknesses for what they really are; tools to bring you closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.


I love Jacob 6:3, "How blessed are they who have labored diligently in his vineyard." We are all called to serve in the Lord's vineyard. And why do we serve in the first place? Because everything we have and are is God's, and His love for each one of us is the reason for everything we have and have access to in this life through the gospel.

This Church is true!

the nature of sacrifice

I'm approximately a month and half out from being able to submit my mission papers for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's been a really long, hard road getting to this point, and I'm so grateful for the support of my family and friends in all my struggles and endeavors. I've been so incredibly blessed that for me to express anything other than gratitude would be an insult to my Heavenly Father and all those who have been supporting me so strongly.

But like I said, it's been a really long, hard road, and it still is. It's been especially hard for me to reconcile some of the sacrifices I've had to make in preparation for the mission, particularly the sacrifice of time. I was 17.5 years old when the mission announcement was made in October of 2012, which meant that while my college roommates and friends could all experience the joy of going within a few months of the age change, I would have to wait a full year and a half -- just over 18 months, to be exact -- before I could fully appreciate the same blessing of going out in the mission field.

I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, struggling to be close to the Spirit but constantly questioning why I could not experience the same blessings in the same time frame. Then there was the issue of financing the mission...my parents are converts to the church, and with my four siblings, it hasn't been the easiest just providing for everyone, much less paying for me to go on a mission. So I went and got a proper job to try and earn as much as I possibly could, continuing to wonder why some of my friends could just pick up and go. I'll even admit that I felt a great deal of jealousy for some of my friends. It has been a humbling experience to do something on the Lord's time frame when that time frame differs so drastically from my own. And I justified a lot of complaining, too, because the desire to go on a mission is such a genuinely good desire. I even began to doubt my Heavenly Father's love for me because of the timing -- why was I being required to sacrifice so much more to go? Was I not as good as the people I knew who were leaving within a few months of the announcement?

Ultimately, with help from the Spirit, my family, and some dedicated friends, I've been humbled and brought to a better knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I also finally understand at least a small part of why I've had to go through the things I have, and it all comes down to the nature of sacrifice. As Latter-Day Saints, we believe that sacrifice is a vital part of our lives -- and not only do we believe that, we believe that we have been asked to make sacrifices because of what we believe. There are lots of different kinds of sacrifices, from those we make willingly like sacrificing our time or talents to serve others, and those that we are forced to make through the circumstances of our lives (there's a wonderful talk by Dallin H. Oaks about this topic that you all need to go read or listen to). The sacrifices we make refine us by teaching us about who we are and what we really value. When forced to give up something, do we turn in faith to the Lord, trusting that He knows all, or do we become angry or frustrated because we cannot understand why? There's an oft-quoted phrase that goes something like "our trials should make us better people, not bitter people."

The Lord is so eager and willing to bless us, even for the sacrifices we make for blessings. In sacrificing for the mission and actively pursuing it, I have been blessed with hundreds of mini and major miracles, too many to count or describe. I've been blessed with the knowledge that the Lord is preparing me to be a far better missionary than I could have been if I had left last year. I've been blessed to better develop and refine traits and abilities that I did not have a year ago. On top of all this, I've also been blessed with the knowledge that I will be able to enjoy and appreciate serving a mission more than I ever would have if I had not poured in all the time, sweat and tears that I have. It's not a competition to see who can get the most baptisms or who can leave first or who can go to the most exotic place in the world; it's an opportunity to get to know the Lord on an intensely personal level and draw closer to Him by focusing on loving His children 24/7 and spreading the infinite joy of the gospel, and I couldn't be more excited or grateful for the Lord's timing and plans.

If you are struggling with the sacrifices you have been forced to make, or when you feel tempted to look around and compare yourself to those whose lives seem infinitely easier than yours, remember that:

"Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow."

Your Heavenly Father loves you infinitely more than you can imagine, and He is so proud of you for your personal growth and achievements. He does not compare us to others; why should we? I promise you that the sacrifices you make, either by choice or by the course of life, will bless you not only eternally but in this life. You can experience the happiness and peace that comes from doing the Lord's will, and you can be grateful to know that your Heavenly Father knows you and loves you well enough to want to refine you into the person He already knows you can become.

A Father's love..."of course I'm going to take care of you."

The other day while I was sitting in a crowded building on campus where I'd managed to steal an outlet to work on my computer, I overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my heart melt. The man on the phone was an older gentleman, who looked to be in his sixties.

"Son," he said, "All I can tell you is to hang on, because things are going to get better eventually. They can't always be this way." There was silence for a few moments and the man seemed close to tears. Finally he spoke again. "I wish you didn't have to go through this. But I do and always will love you so much." Then they exchanged goodbyes and the man hung up and walked away.

I was touched by the whole thing -- the cute little old man and the words he spoke, but especially by the tone and the way he spoke. I was overwhelmed by how much love he had for his son and I was sitting all the way across the room.

In a way, I needed to overhear that one-sided conversation. I don't know what his son was struggling with, but as someone struggling with very real problems of my own right now, it was a reminder that I have an earthly dad and a Heavenly Father who would say the very same things to me and do anything for me in my times of trial.

Love, in my experience, is the most powerful emotion we can feel. It motivates better than fear, changes lives, saves lives, and provides more confidence and comfort than anything this world can offer. It was out of love that Jesus Christ offered himself as a sacrifice for the sins of the world. Love keeps families together and brings safety and peace. I can't speak highly enough of love. In a world overflowing with hatred and negativity, pure love -- known as charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moroni 7:47) is the one thing that can bring happiness no matter how tough life is.

There's something very powerful about a father's love, specifically. Throughout my life I've always focused more on a mother's love, seeing as how I plan to be one someday. But I think I've neglected studying out the impact and significance of a father's love and attention on his children. Our parents have made more sacrifices for us in our lifetimes than we can even imagine -- I recognize more and more of these sacrifices as time goes on, but I know I don't even know one-tenth of the things my parents have done for me and I probably won't until I'm a parent myself and making those same sacrifices for my kids. It's easier to see a mother's sacrifices: her patience in interacting with her children cannot be appreciated enough. But fathers make sacrifices too, and they are trying in different ways. How grateful I am for a dad who worked so hard, at great cost to his health and mind, to always provide for my family so that we wouldn't have to worry about living.

Absolutely everything in my life is evidence of my Heavenly Father's love for me and all his children. Everything. From sunsets to a child's prayer to my own family to all the many mini-miracles that happen every day to make my life easier in the midst of trials. In fact, it's easier for me to recognize my Heavenly Father's loving influence when life gets tough. Like the old man on the telephone, our Heavenly Father wants to do so much for us. He doesn't want to see us in pain, or struggling. But while he can't always take away our pain and problems, he can and always will continue to love us and help us if only we turn to him and ask.

A recent experience taught me this lesson in a very powerful, personal way. It was at the beginning of my recent homeless week in Provo and I was feeling entirely alone and overwhelmed. So I said a simple little prayer from the bottom of my heart asking that somehow, everything would be okay and work out. And then a thought popped into my head, something that any parent would say. "Of course I'm going to take care of you."

Would any decent parent ignore a child's cries for help? Of course not! And as Heavenly Father is indeed our Father, I can personally promise that he will never abandon us, never give up on us, and take care of us as long as we let him, and ask him.